Playing a Good (Dirty) Game

I recently read about this site-- KnowThyNeighbor.org, a deliciously devilish activist twist using the internet around the gay marriage debates. Being part of a happy, healthy relationship for 7+ years now that has included a commitment ceremony with 150 friends and family in 2001, getting a civil union in the basement of a town hall in Vermont in 2002, and (by total chance-- or not...) being in San Francisco last year for the Valentines Day weddings has made the gay marriage issue essential to me. As I hope most people know, the Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled last year that denying gay people the ability to marry simply because of the sex of their selected spouse was unconstitutional, and the state shortly thereafter became the first state in the country to allow marriage for same-sex couples. (The California legislature also recently passed a bill allowing same-sex marriages, but our governor, given the ruin the rest of his administration is currently in, is too much of a 'girly-man' to sign.)

'We' (the same-sex marriage proponents) try to take the high road as much as possible. We try to talk about love and commitment, holding up all of the wonderful examples of lesbian couples who have been together for 50+ years, same-sex couples who have opened their homes to adopted children, and the other wonderful and varied family types that make up the community. We try to have rational discussions around why tax-paying American couples like Christian and I should be allowed to be recognized by our government in the same way any old straight couple is, and the 1000+ benefits marriage brings couples that we miss out on-- mundane things like tax filings, hospital visitation, Social Security, etc. We try to stress that it isn't about taking anyone's benefits away, but opening the opportunity to many additional couples who crave the social significance the institution has, and who would try to preserve its importance. And we stress this isn't about religion--churches can decide who they marry and who they don't. We say it's about fair and equal access to the same things most people take for granted-- what could be more American than that?

And all the while, 'they' (the same-sex marriage opponents) pull out as many outrageous and 'dirty' scare tactics as possible. They use imagery and words that conjure up old pedophilic stereotypes. Bible phrases are flung around about Soddom and Gomorrah and people hold protest posters saying catchy, if empty, statements like 'God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve'. They say things like we want to wreck the 2000+ years of ground the institution of marriage is based upon and that if we are allowed to get married, then why not allow people to marry their family members, someone who is already married, or, *gasp* their dogs? It's almost like the two sides are talking about two entirely different issues.

So that what's so great about this new site. Even though same-sex marriage has been legal for a year now and more than 6000+ same-sex couples have been married, a group of 'they' in MA want to roll back marriage rights, and to do that, they need to circulate around a petition gaining enough signatures to place it on the ballot next fall. So here's where the creativity comes in-- the petition is public record, so the organizers of knowthyneighbor.org have built a website that allows people to search and see who has signed the petition. Meaning, if friendly neighbor Linda who loves coming over for coffee, appreciates the gardening tips you give and always tells everyone how 'fabulous' her gay neighbors are has signed it, you'll be able to find out and say 'Linda, I thought we were friends, what's the deal?' and so on. It's genius!! In the best case scenario, it affords the opportunity for gay people across MA to engage in dialogue with these people and give them the chance to learn why marriage benefits are so important for the strengthening of families and how all of the strong rhetoric the right is selling is really beside the point. At worst, it embarrasses these people who are selfishly hoarding a benefit all people should have equal access to, and lets us know not to give Linda anymore of those gardening tips.

Is this is a bit of a dirty play? Perhaps, but I'm betting most people signing those petitions might think twice if they think everyone at the PTA might find out about it. And the site is not about ugly name-calling or lost friendships. There's a page that includes 'talking points' which gives a bunch of stats around why same-sex marriages are a good thing, to help people engage in healthy discussions. We can't be afraid to fight fire with fire. As more people see that all we want is the same rights and privileges others have, progress will continue. And if it takes veering just a bit off the high road every now and then to get there, so be it.