Let's Hear it for the Girls

Much has been written about the bonds between gay men and straight women. You know, the intimate bonds that derive from a common understanding of what its like to put up with other men's crap, to live in a world that automatically puts you at an underdog status, and of course, the common love of shoes. Lord knows most of us gay guys wouldn't have had any friends in grade and high school without them and many of those girls wouldn't had fun college formal dates who complemented your outfit, liked to dance, and then strangely didn't want to sleep with you afterwards. Although I have had the pleasure of being friends with many wonderful women over the years, I have two stories of amazing women who have strongly influenced me-- one from years ago and one from much more recently.

My best friend from high school is Amy, and she and I instantly became best friends when we randomly sat next to each other at our freshman orientation, held just two days before the first day of 9th grade. As daunting as any freshmen experience is, I had the added pressure of just moving to a new town. Therefore, I was in a new school with new people and was still recovering from a sever neck injury in a car accident that had necessitated me re-learning how to walk and subsequently losing a lot of weight, making me that much more of an awkward 14-year old. (Oh yea, and I was gay in a small town in Pennsylvania) But that didn't matter to Amy, and after giggling our way through that orientation night, we quickly began 'the traditional phone call', talking on the phone for hours on end each night about things only 14 year olds can.

But the cruel reality of being the new kid on the block didn't take long to set in. The intense homophobia of the 14 year old boys started in a matter of days after school started, and before long, everyone started saying I was gay this, gay that... and as much as I wish I would have had the balls or the awareness to come out, that simply wasn't an option that time. (A posting for another time-- my mom finding me in my bedroom during this time sobbing and me telling her it was because everyone thought I was gay....) So do you know what Amy did for me? Despite the fact that there was no romantic inkling between us, we were spending a lot of time together both at and after school, and thus 'the scheme' (as we called it) was born. We would simply tell everyone that we were dating, thereby invalidating the gay rumors and getting the rumor mill to move on to its next target. And you know what? It worked like a charm. No one questioned that we were a couple, and for the most part, the gay rumors subsided.

Years later, she would be the first person I would tell out loud that I was gay, stand up for me in my wedding with Christian, and ask me to be the godfather to her daughter, Riley. It doesn't get any better than that.

Amy and I are still close, but life has certainly taken us in different directions. So that brings me to one of the nicest surprises of 2005 so far-- my best girlfriend here in SF, whose name is Diana. We met through work at Yahoo!, where in a 1-1 meeting we had to introduce ourselves, upon learning that I was gay, promptly told me she wanted a gay best friend so we could shopping together and I could decorate her apartment, etc etc.... As offensive as that may sound to some of you, it was said with a charm and innocence that resonated with me. Of course, I was like 'well, let's have lunch and see where it goes...', not ready to commit to making her over just yet. :-)

That was about 6 months ago, and since then, we've gone from work lunch buddies to happy hours after work to shopping partners on the weekend days to Friday night dinners with my friends to exploring the best SF nightlife has to offer, which has been tremendous. What has been even better than the increasing cross section of our social lives, though, has been the perspective she brings to my life and the great phone conversations we have about the stuff happening in our lives. I'm pretty lucky in that I don't really have much in life to complain about-- but of course, I still do. Tonight I was whining about missing Christian, this being the last week that he is gone before he finally comes home for good. And after making me chuckle at my own babiness, she says to me, 'Ben, instead of being upset about it, how about enjoying the feeling of desire? Knowing that you love him so much and can't wait for him to get back, how about reveling in that feeling, realizing its only temporary and appreciating the intense love that creates that feeling?'

Damn. That's pretty smart. And a way of thinking I really hadn't considered.

So she fits the cliches I had always heard of a best girlfriend to gay guys-- she's gorgeous, smart, funny, and (when prompted) has a great sense of style. But its those nuggets of wisdom that only a woman can bring, and alternatively, the perspective that I help bring to her, that has really made me appreciate her and look forward to the years of friendship that lay ahead.

So as much as I love boys, it's nice to know that there's still room for the ladies. Lets hear it for ya!